Value in Relationships

Ive been married happily for 11yrs now and me and my wife got married at the same time as most of are frends did, there was about 6 married couples in are frends circle at the time.

And what we have observed in this 11yrs is this

The people that had the highest "body count" were the first to have marriage problems and subsequently the first to get divorced and usually due to cheating.

And then there some that had hard times hit and thought the grass was greener on the other side and left the other,

One couple the wife got in shape and lost about 40 lb and totally changed the way she looked and got this idea in her head that she could do better so she cheated on her husband and they got a divorce and her life has been a living hell ever since.

All of these couples are now divorced or on there second marriage by now and me and my wife are the only couple that are still together.

All of these couples had "value" for the other in the beginning and when it was lost then they fell apart

So value as important but value isnt enough

People dont understand what a marriage is supposed to be and they lack the integrity to uphold an oath, if a person can't keep there word then how can they keep there marriage?

If a person understands what a marriage is supposed to be then its not hard it all to keep it for life its when people have the wrong idea of what marriage is and they also lack integrity that's when shit falls apart

As always perspective is vital

Well, let me take a stab at this. Value is very important in any relationship. The more intimate the relationship the more someone's value actually matters. Although I think that the term value is a very vague and subjective one as different people value different things and different relationships require different things of value.

1) Do you think value is important in a friendship?

Well, there are two kinds of friendships, acquaintances, people you just hang out with and have a good time with, going bowling or playing Xbox with or whatever floats your boat but they ain't close, they aren't really a big deep factor in your life. For acquaintances, the only value you really need from them is for them to be fun people to hang out with, and depending on your level of self control them having good morals so you don't get sucked into ridiculous vices such as alcoholism, drugs, gambling, womanizing and the like.

The second kind of friend is an actual friend, close as a brother or sister if they're good enough. Not only do you have to like them personally because who makes close friends with people that they cannot stand, but they also have to care for you on a rather deep level. They've got to have your back when things get tough, they have to be loyal to you, they have to carry your burdens, and almost have to be like a counselor when things get bad. Anyways their value comes from how they treat you and how much they care about you. This is a two-way street also because you have to provide the same value to them, you have responsibilities. You aren't loved unconditionally, you have to not be a crappy person to your friends to maintain the friendship or friends become enemies when pushed too far. Though I am only describing human relationships as they exist and not the ideal, as the ideal should be longsuffering and forgiveness to friends that have failed you.

2) Do you think it is important in a marriage? For those on this forum who took a marriage step then your input is greatly appreciated since this isn't a step I ever took.

This is the most intimate and important relationship that a person could ever get into this side of eternity. It is in fact so important that it is sacred, and as a Christian, I would say that it is so sacred that it is not up to you to decide for yourself. The woman or man you marry is the person that you will spend the rest of your life with, the person that you will share the most intense emotional bond with hopefully for a lifetime, the person who you will create life with and raise children born from the mingling of your combined DNA from. As far as mere mortals are concerned this is the absolute peak of human relations until they reach paradise. I write in these religious terms for a reason, because with my worldview I cannot conceive it otherwise, because marriage is not a decision I think that you are supposed to make yourself if you are a Christian. Choosing your spouse is beyond your capacity to do correctly and should not be left in mortal hands. What I'm saying is that it is not up to you to decide the value of someone that qualifies them to be your spouse, because you don't actually know what's best for you. When people try to assess the value of others to find a suitable mate for themselves they base it on foolish, shallow things.

Men want their women to be beautiful and oozing with feminine charm, and display traits associated with motherhood, kindness, compassion, empathy, extroversion, and all of those things that are a woman's glory. Women on the other hand choose things like money, status, the promise of status, masculine confidence, height, looks, and all that other stuff. More discerning people may go for things that actually matter like being a good and moral person. I personally am most attracted to that. I want someone who is decent and good, or as decent and good as any human can be, as all people are at best imperfect.

But the thing is that a lot of these traits can be faked, and all that glitters is not gold, and some things are covered with grime that when you dust it off reveals a true treasure beneath it. A person may look good to all the senses and to any sensible standard of reason, but in the end, they turn out to be adulterous, abusive, immoral, irresponsible, unloving, hateful, spiteful, and bitter, addicts, and worse. And some people may look... questionable at best but underneath their appearance, their offputting personality, and even their seemingly alarming character flaws may be the most valuable person in the world for you specifically as a spouse. The bottom line is you don't actually know a person's character because you cannot see into their heart, you do not know a person's future because you cannot see into the person's future, you cannot see whether they will be faithful to you, whether they will treat you well, whether they will be compatible with you enough to keep the flame going for an entire lifetime, you don't know any of these things about anyone really even often if you've known certain people for years, and once you are married to them finally you get to know them better than you ever have known anyone else and if you don't like what you discover, how miserable you would be?

So, as a Christian the only one qualified to choose who you should marry is God, and I think that a person's value in marriage comes clearly from the approval and anointing of God for them as their spouse. And there is only one person on earth that God will give this approval to, and this person is the absolute best person in the world to be one's husband or wife, because God truly knows what is best for everyone, and always gives good gifts to his children. So I'd say that one's value doesn't come from their looks or charm, they're appearing (only appearing) to be kind, good, empathetic, loving, and decent, their status, their wealth, how they dress, how they appear to you, what others say about them, or really any other quality other than God's choosing them because if God chooses them, you can be sure that they are the only one worth marrying. God sees more than you do, he sees everything, and he knows what is best, so it is best to trust him. That's why I'd never marry any woman unless God himself tells me to, and I would only have my sights on that woman no matter what infuriating shenanigans come up, and no matter what other options I may have, because I trust God to make the right decision for me and hold myself in low regard in the same. So a romantic partner's value comes from if God saying they are valuable in his eyes. God's approval is actually the highest form of value anyone could have and the only standard of value suitable for marriage.

3) What about in other relationships?

You mean family right? Your parent's value comes from how well they can raise a child. A son or daughter's value comes from how much joy they bring their parents, how much they make their parents proud, and how well they are at carrying on the family legacy. Brothers, sisters, cousins, and the like I guess would serve the same functions as friends, uncles, grandmothers, and other older kin would serve as influential authority figures helping the parents in some small way. The difference with family I think is that you're bound by blood to have loyalty to them. You have a responsibility to them because of the nature of family and you can't really just toss them aside like friends or acquaintances. It's ride or die with family whatever their value.

Then there are people who provide services for you, your teacher, your doctor, your plumber, your shrink etc. and their value comes with how well they perform the service for you and how professional and pleasant doing business with them is. Did I miss anything?