Post by thenotesofaman on Nov 16, 2018 14:11:46 GMT
Mac Miller, 2009(recommend putting on replay before you begin to read)(play through once and listen thoroughly if you are yet to hear the song prior)
I guess I am more fortunate then most, because I have always known exactly how I wanted to start this. "This", being my story. I want to be clear all I've ever hoped to achieve in this life is to selflessly, empathetically, assist others in enjoying this experience. I don't want my name connected to my work in any way. I don't want money. I am nervous I am nearing my death. It is simply my tendency to expect the bad with the good. And my, have I been finding a lot of good lately. It hasn't been because of material or others. But it's like my souls awake. I feel so different then ever in my life. I've accomplished this and so much within my self. But the weird thing, all I did was begin thinking independently. I stopped looking to others for things, and instead asked my self. For the longest time, I truly couldn't understand what felt so weird about it. But have recently realised, the possibility that I really am one of few humans with this ability. Imagine, a species, coming literally from primal ancestors. That have seemingly achieved a higher sense of self, or a concious. There must be a point of transition correct? A point where evolution, natural selection, takes effect. I kinda just can't help but wonder if this is that point. I imagine, at the surface, that probably sounds pretty wacky. But see, I have personally experienced some pretty odd things in this life. Hell I wish I couldn't even explain it, simply because it tortured me for so long. I have to catch my breath so often writing all of this, it's like a vomit I've been holding in for years. It's felt so bad, hurt me for so long. Absolutely numbing to the deepest of my core. Can you imagine for a moment, empathize with me. Try to imagine exactly how you would feel, suspended in this picture i'm going to paint for you. Imagine being surrounded with others the "same" as you. Being told regularly that regular is the supposed to be. Watching everyone celebrate their regular. The depiction of the very meaning of life, to be regular! Experiencing anything new or different is bad! Just try to imagine a truly ambitious, caring, considerate, sensitive, aware child, being drown in such a life. Ya see, I trusted my family, my teachers, the ones that were supposed to look out for me. And it took so long! So much damage! For me to realize you can't trust anything, a single person says. Some damage is irreversible, and don't forget to consider that the next time you question how to treat someone. Matter of fact, just ask your self how you would like to be treated. Anyways. So this child, surviving all the abuse that was done, and still all that kid wants is to be like everyone else. He tried everyday. Put thought into every action. A kid!! Being aware of the difference that the image of my self that I depict for others, affects rather they are okay with that persons very existence. Pure, instinctual, hatred. I can't understand why I was treated the way I was for so long. But I found a light. I fought my self every day for so long! So many time, I gave up, but, I couldn't ever stop. And it actually paid off. I fought through all the pain, and focused, on that light. For the longest all I did was focus that light on others, why and how they lived, so I could be like them. I just wanted to be regular. My life was anything but. A while passes, and boy sees a bigger picture. He sees the way to help others isn't to stay the same as we have been. But to come up with his own idea of good. I can't explain what happened out of that very well honestly. I couldn't tell you if some how everyone sensed it, or my behavior just changed. But everything, has changed so much since that day. Everyone. Everything. This voice, inside my head, yenno. It's like it knows everything. It's intimidating yenno, being so different. The things I think, that I try to talk about. For the longest people seemed to react negative, almost instinctually, to my conversation. And it's like slowly, everyone just began to accept what I had to say. I was just a child. I had no way of understanding. I was alone, suspended in a sort of hell. I just focused on that light. That ability I had to look where I wanted, and truly accept what was there. I was actually abused for this behavior for so long. I began hardening my exterior, and nearly turned into the very monster I hoped to vanquish. So often, I feel as if I'm riding that fence, but I am fortunate enough to have some one to go to. To relax around and just achieve some clarity. I couldn't be here without them. It's been a long journey, but I did always hope to make a difference. I'm not afraid to say I can see the impact I've had on the way people live their lives every day. I'm not afraid to admit I've invested every bit of my being, to being that change. It all hurt so badly I had to, put everything I had, to it. What I've come to realise is I've been drowning because I'm trying to swim with all the weight on my shoulders. I guess because of all the pain it caused me, I had my self believing my thoughts weren't okay to even think. Let alone speak aloud to another person. For what, from my perspective it was a literal curse. It would defeat, what I seen as my purpose. To just help another enjoy their experience. Even if it meant to sacrifice my own experience. It would be worth it if I could just help even one person. To carry the weight of the world. I lived that way, in complete agony, falling victim to my own perspective. Until, this girl, taught me we are all responsible for our own happiness. If she heard this I'm sure she'd remember the very moment. She truly loved me more then I loved my self. I learned to implement that into my way of thinking. I realised I was choosing when to be happy or mad. And that I could choose not to let things affect me negatively. In fact, I realised, everything has it's ups and downs, things change. But it is my decision to choose how I react to it all. Who decided when bad things happen we have to be upset. Can't we be constructive in the face of upheaval. Wouldn't every human everywhere benefit from us working constructively in unison with one another?
I guess I am more fortunate then most, because I have always known exactly how I wanted to start this. "This", being my story. I want to be clear all I've ever hoped to achieve in this life is to selflessly, empathetically, assist others in enjoying this experience. I don't want my name connected to my work in any way. I don't want money. I am nervous I am nearing my death. It is simply my tendency to expect the bad with the good. And my, have I been finding a lot of good lately. It hasn't been because of material or others. But it's like my souls awake. I feel so different then ever in my life. I've accomplished this and so much within my self. But the weird thing, all I did was begin thinking independently. I stopped looking to others for things, and instead asked my self. For the longest time, I truly couldn't understand what felt so weird about it. But have recently realised, the possibility that I really am one of few humans with this ability. Imagine, a species, coming literally from primal ancestors. That have seemingly achieved a higher sense of self, or a concious. There must be a point of transition correct? A point where evolution, natural selection, takes effect. I kinda just can't help but wonder if this is that point. I imagine, at the surface, that probably sounds pretty wacky. But see, I have personally experienced some pretty odd things in this life. Hell I wish I couldn't even explain it, simply because it tortured me for so long. I have to catch my breath so often writing all of this, it's like a vomit I've been holding in for years. It's felt so bad, hurt me for so long. Absolutely numbing to the deepest of my core. Can you imagine for a moment, empathize with me. Try to imagine exactly how you would feel, suspended in this picture i'm going to paint for you. Imagine being surrounded with others the "same" as you. Being told regularly that regular is the supposed to be. Watching everyone celebrate their regular. The depiction of the very meaning of life, to be regular! Experiencing anything new or different is bad! Just try to imagine a truly ambitious, caring, considerate, sensitive, aware child, being drown in such a life. Ya see, I trusted my family, my teachers, the ones that were supposed to look out for me. And it took so long! So much damage! For me to realize you can't trust anything, a single person says. Some damage is irreversible, and don't forget to consider that the next time you question how to treat someone. Matter of fact, just ask your self how you would like to be treated. Anyways. So this child, surviving all the abuse that was done, and still all that kid wants is to be like everyone else. He tried everyday. Put thought into every action. A kid!! Being aware of the difference that the image of my self that I depict for others, affects rather they are okay with that persons very existence. Pure, instinctual, hatred. I can't understand why I was treated the way I was for so long. But I found a light. I fought my self every day for so long! So many time, I gave up, but, I couldn't ever stop. And it actually paid off. I fought through all the pain, and focused, on that light. For the longest all I did was focus that light on others, why and how they lived, so I could be like them. I just wanted to be regular. My life was anything but. A while passes, and boy sees a bigger picture. He sees the way to help others isn't to stay the same as we have been. But to come up with his own idea of good. I can't explain what happened out of that very well honestly. I couldn't tell you if some how everyone sensed it, or my behavior just changed. But everything, has changed so much since that day. Everyone. Everything. This voice, inside my head, yenno. It's like it knows everything. It's intimidating yenno, being so different. The things I think, that I try to talk about. For the longest people seemed to react negative, almost instinctually, to my conversation. And it's like slowly, everyone just began to accept what I had to say. I was just a child. I had no way of understanding. I was alone, suspended in a sort of hell. I just focused on that light. That ability I had to look where I wanted, and truly accept what was there. I was actually abused for this behavior for so long. I began hardening my exterior, and nearly turned into the very monster I hoped to vanquish. So often, I feel as if I'm riding that fence, but I am fortunate enough to have some one to go to. To relax around and just achieve some clarity. I couldn't be here without them. It's been a long journey, but I did always hope to make a difference. I'm not afraid to say I can see the impact I've had on the way people live their lives every day. I'm not afraid to admit I've invested every bit of my being, to being that change. It all hurt so badly I had to, put everything I had, to it. What I've come to realise is I've been drowning because I'm trying to swim with all the weight on my shoulders. I guess because of all the pain it caused me, I had my self believing my thoughts weren't okay to even think. Let alone speak aloud to another person. For what, from my perspective it was a literal curse. It would defeat, what I seen as my purpose. To just help another enjoy their experience. Even if it meant to sacrifice my own experience. It would be worth it if I could just help even one person. To carry the weight of the world. I lived that way, in complete agony, falling victim to my own perspective. Until, this girl, taught me we are all responsible for our own happiness. If she heard this I'm sure she'd remember the very moment. She truly loved me more then I loved my self. I learned to implement that into my way of thinking. I realised I was choosing when to be happy or mad. And that I could choose not to let things affect me negatively. In fact, I realised, everything has it's ups and downs, things change. But it is my decision to choose how I react to it all. Who decided when bad things happen we have to be upset. Can't we be constructive in the face of upheaval. Wouldn't every human everywhere benefit from us working constructively in unison with one another?
, the part about worrying I am near the end of my life, is simply a personal endeavor. I've always seemed to experience bad with any good. If I get some good in my life, expect there is plenty of bad around the corner. I just have learned to expect the bad to come with the good. And I have become so seemingly insightful as of late, it is intimidating. And I am used to having quite the abstract way of thinking. Yet even still, there is simply no calm way of reacting to some of the thoughts I come across, besides just not reacting.