Traditional family roles

I actually could not agree more...and I can speak briefly about this subject on a practical level...and some of the content will be a little graphic and disturbing (but true) so I leave it up to you or the mods to "censor" what may appear a little...uhh...what's the word?..."warped"...

When I was younger in my college days I went into school with the mentality "I am going to work hard because I need the good grades.  I need the good grades because I need a good stable job.  I need a good stable job because I will have a wife I have to take for along with whatever number of kids she wants."

So I worked hard.  Spent all day studying, working out (was studying to be a cop, specifically state police so)...rinse and repeat the cycle.  Study, fitness, study, fitness, etc.  Every night I would sit down by my bed and pray for about 20 minutes to an hour.  Suddenly I heard a springs bouncing up and down in the room across from me and the kids in the other dorm where screwing.  In a charlie brown moment I looked up, then looked down at my rosary (practicing catholic at the time), then I looked up again, then looked down again at my rosary and said to myself "WTF?".  The irony of it makes me laugh to this day...in one room people are having sex like animals, in the other a man is on his knees praying...

Went to christian bible group...similiar drama same form.  So I looked around at the environment I was in and said "well it is time to move on".  So I was contemplating the priesthood as another possibility (ukrainian byzantine catholic).  I decided to go to seminary for two years for discernment with the family option still in the back of my head as a strong possibility considering priests in the eastern right could/can marry.

So I arrive at seminary and go to a catholic college for my studies.  I, being the analytical person I am, look around at the environment.  Out of my potential graduating class, at a "religious" institution, only one couple was going to get married.  All the other's were going through break ups, not getting married, having sex anyhow.  I said to myself:  "But this is a Christian institution right?  If you are not a Christian, well fine do what you want.  But if you are a Christian (or any other religion or philosophical group) you do what that faith/philosophy demands."  This perplexed me to some degree.

So I am looking at the seminary I am at, and the majority of the people are gay and foreign.  The straight people were a minority...along with being an American.  One of the priests, a higher up in the university, was having a relationship with one of the seminarians...other's were...well you get the point.  Meanwhile I find a girl that summer in a bible school and hit it off well with her...we had chemistry, could talk about whatever we wanted...generally all the good things.  She was a bible teacher.  I was 20 she was 18.  I didn't have sex with her because I actually cared for her and didn't want to use her...mean while I have blue balls the whole time and in a massive amount of pain.  I said to myself if this relationship lasts six months or more I will propose.  Long story short I find out she is screwing a 16 year old. 

So I am back at seminary surrounded by men who to quote said "I had the body of apollo", one priest I went to counseling for wanted me to turn around for him so he "could have a better look at me", etc, the girl I wanted to marry is involved in a legal case of abuse, and the university I am at is well differs little from the previous university I was at.


And I am thinking to myself "how can I, as a man raise a family in this type of world?".  It's a legitimate question when you are man in your early twenties.  I wanted a family, at the time, a loving wife, kids to raise...standard natural law.  But I said to myself: "Seriously...?" 


On one hand the secular institutions have the obvious problems that we are all aware of.  On the other hand the religious institutions differ little so at the time I was stuck in a rock and a hard place.

So fastforward, I go back to the previous university to finish my degree for my parents...at this point I don't care about anything.  I worked a few jobs in the restaurant business surrounded by hot teenage girls and older women who to quote some of the guys I worked with "would blow me if I want".  A few of the guys were probably envious because of all the attention I was (and still get) getting from these girls of all age ranges.

 This whole time I am listening to their personal stories of relationships, etc...and the irony of it all set in like a brick..."how am I as a man going to raise a family in this?  These women are so fractured from all their relationships that even if I chose to pursue one the drama would not be worth the risk.  How can a man have peace in a household when his wife is looking up ex-lover's on facebook when the 7 year itch comes (it is 3 now if I remember)?  It's not respectful to me as a man, it is not right for the kids, and it sure as hell is wrong for my potential wife to be this "emotionally torn apart.""  These questions were legitimate, and still are, at the time because people generally speaking are predictable...no different than a math problem.

So I leave and go to a few other jobs...similar issues to a lesser degree when women were involved.  One boss of mine became real friendly with me, and one day she wore a complete see through shirt to work...keep in mind she is a mom from a highschool classmate of mine...

Went into union carpentry after that (and still there) because the pay was/is good and on my second job worked with ex-cons who would talk about "guys they had sex-with in prison/or transvetite hookers"...meanwhile I am thirty feet off the ground working with one of these men on a scissor lift...(insert face palm emogi)..."f'cking seriously...?"

On a seperate job,my boss at the time said "you remind me of my wife when you put your shirt on..." My response "Gee...just what every guy wants to here...I am flattered...."  His buddy came up and said "he really likes you john"...Me: "really....".

I had to leave early because the buddy I traveled with had a meltdown...fortunately by this time I had enough experience with women and homosexuals that I just tell them what to do and they do it (ie. shutup and leave me alone).

Fastforward a year or two later and my cousin from harvard comes home.  We talk for a few minutes, he is impressed and wants to work on a screen play with me.  In turn he will help me get published and into harvard.  So time goes by, and he keeps bringing up the issue of homosexuality and Tesla (we were working on a screenplay about Tesla at the time) and I don't care either way.  He would always make comments about how "good I looked" and I could "go into acting if I wanted too"....uh okay...  Then made some off the wall comment, I am still trying to rationalize to this day, about how "working on this screenplay with [me] was a experience for him"....Me: "Uhhh....well if we look at the nature of sex it could be argued as..." (meanwhile I am facepalming myself and say "wtf" inside my head).  So, I have thick skin from the years, and we continue working on the screenplay.  Anyway we eventually have a fall out because in presenting our work to some relatives I "said "I" to much" and "claimed to have done 70 percent of the work".  He calls me on the phone a few days later.  I said..."let's cool down, we will get back to work in a week".  He started crying and screaming saying "come stay over the night".  Me: "Uhh...no"...  It went back and forth until he quit the screen play and then threatened to sue me over it a few weeks later....bye "harvard".


So fastfoward again... I want to go out on a date just to get out have a few laughs, etc....the difficulty is that all I know at this point are the old men and weak millenials I work with...and all the girls I know cannot get off of there phone to just have a basic conversation with...years of this go by.  I meet a girl, we talk for a little while...chemistry is good.  She had a long history of abuse since 13 and whoring...but I said to myself: "This world is a f'cked up mess...I am not going to judge her...just let her be honest and I will be honest".  So I say to her "I don't want your name, I will not give you mine...I will call you "girl" you will call me "boy" because I don't want to put you in a category and quite frankly I never grew up .  Here's my number...call me if you want...if not then don't...it is entirely up to you...".

So she texts me.  I find out she is 19...I am 28. "Ohh shit..." went through my mind...then an "oh well...I know some guys who married with 20 years difference...I will just forget everything I learned over the years because the world cannot be this messed up...I cannot be right all the time".  Plus I liked the girl.  So we go out, enjoy ourselves.  Next date I am thinking...well "not sleeping around has not worked...maybe if I meet her in the middle.  I am chaste, she is whore...neither approach worked for either of us in regards to finding what we wanted in the opposite sex."  So...how to word this...she had some medical equipment from some past injuries inside her abdomen and had to go to the doctor the next day because I jostled it out of place.  Right after this experience we talked about stuff and she went on to talk about the next guy she was planning on sleeping with.  I feel like Charlie brown at this point...(insert ) "WTF?"  I am thinking...  So long story short it ended.

This last story happened about three months ago.

The problem I always had/have is that I am "too much of a man" to quote a long list of people over the years...and with that "testosterone" everyone wants to kill/eat you (I have seperate stories for that) or f'ck you.  It's genetic...so I am not trying to sound "macho"...but it gave me alot insight as a guy who just tries to do the right thing in a crazy world you realize part of the reason the family structure is declining is because there is no place for real men.  The problem is that "testosterone" is necessary for not just the survival of a species, but is a driving force for work etc.


I can laugh now because with some age comes some perspective...in retrospect it was more funny than anything.  But the point remains...even if you "want to grow up" it is very difficult and quite literally at time a fight to keep your dignity and sanity, especially if your man.  Add the fact that the majority of people struggle with a pervsion and I don't know how any of these girls are going to find husbands to take care of them.

But from a practical and subjective perspective the whole "sex and family" paradigm has been...one long and ironic funny story.......you can't make this stuff up...

This has been a small "part" of my experience....and as a man, to quote a whole generation of teenage girls, I am "whatever...".  I am looking at going monastery at this point...literally.



The simple truth?:

1)  Sex has been destroyed and is in the process of being destroyed.
2)  The nature of masculinity and feminity have been destroyed and if you are either too much of a "man" or "woman" you will have issues just because of your sexuality.
3)  The family structure suffers because of this.